2011, the year I turn 40

It has been long winding road to this mile stone in my life. I started taking stock of my life so far and it was rather automatic. I never sat and pondered over it but slowly and surely this feeling came up within me. I remember days when as a little girl I would sit on a swing on a Neem tree in my courtyard and wonder what was life all about, why are we here, what are we supposed to do? I found myself asking the same questions all over again. Actually it started after I turned 39 and obviously 40 loomed in front. I had not given those questions much thought after life took over as a teenager and a young woman. I got so busy living day to day that the bigger picture never materialized. One learning or a sort of epiphany that I am having right when I am writing is figuring out what I really want. I am sad about that part. Sad because it should be a relatively easy thing to do but over the years I took on so many roles that I lost me somewhere. I never imagined it would happen to me never. I would have never imagined myself being like this therefore did not have plan to deal with it. Anyway, the idea is not to wallow in what could have been should have been but on what can be. This write up I am hoping will help me sort myself out from underneath the layers of different roles.

To be honest since I had my daughters years merged into one another and I did not realize that years were passing me by. Summer by summer Halloween after Halloween, they passed me by. So the year I turned 39 I did whole bunch of things (sort of like a big gasping breath before turning 40). I had had an ankle injury for four years and was just coming out of it. Started running again and ran and race with dreams of running a marathon. and realized that had not played v ball for a long long time. Signed up to coach a league which was wonderful, to my surprise v ball came back to me like second nature. It was a wonderful feeling, before I knew it I was playing in a women's league. That was a ride in itself as I remember as a child and a teenager while playing in the dusty courts of India I imagined what it would be like to play on hard wood floors, courtesy to seeing Indian men's v ball team practice in the my school gym. The balls bouncing off the wooden floors making those sounds, players shuffling and their shoes making squeaky noises and thanked god many times over for this wonderful opportunity. Now I am laid up again with the ankle injury AGAIN and am wondering what I did wrong. Started going back to school in the hope of starting my career, the decision has been bitter sweet and I must confess that I am still dealing with the decision of it. Took up dance classes, basically I became a dart, darting back and forth from my house to different activities and all of sudden I am marooned with an ankle that is not healing (9 weeks down already) Anyway I digress, the focus being turning 40 and taking stock of my life. sooooo I am back to the starting point, what do i want to be or do with my life, what does god want me to do, why am I here? I shall write answers (probable) as and when they come to me. Should I be a bhogi or work towards giving up material things? question here is where to draw the line, would god want us to enjoy his creation? I shall leave it here.......................